Last night on the way home, I had a soccer mom driving a shiny black Lexus SUV change lanes into me without signalling or acknowledging her mistake.  This is to her.

Dear Soccer Mom Douche Bag,

I know it was important for you to change lines precisely when you did last night without signalling.  Thank you for scaring the crap out of me and forcing me to use my horn (which I hate to do) and then continuing to change lanes into me while I tested the ABS portion of my brakes.  I understand that you are more important than me and that you have places to go and people to see.  I hope you noticed that I did not flip you off or make any form of hand gestures whatsoever.  I handled it calmly and I only tell you this because you did not once dare look in my direction.  I did not exist.

I do think it is important, Mrs. Douche Bag, to notice that I was laugihing my ass off when I forced you over the curb about four or five blocks later.  You didn't think I had the balls to do that, did you?  You thought I was bluffing didn't you, Mrs. Douche Bag.  You seem to have forgotten a couple of things so let me refresh your memory.  Your car doesn't mean shit to me.  To fully understand that, you have to first understand that MY car doesn't mean shit to me.  It doesn't matter one iota to me if my car bursts into flames on the way home from work.  Therefore, I don't give a shit if I decorate it with paint from YOUR car.  The next thing to remember is that I don't give a shit about you.  I don't care how important it is that you get "Mandy" to soccer practice on time and I don't give a shit about "Mandy".  She will soon realize her Mom is a total asshole, so why worry about it?  She is probably embarrassed that you have the idiotic soccer ball decal on the back of your Lexus with her name on it.  It merely serves to inform people that although they don't know the name of the douche bag driving the SUV, they can safely assume it is Mandy's mom.  I have been told that it also provides valuable information to child molesters - by telling the name of their next victim, but with a mom like you, being molested is probably the least of Mandy's concerns.

You may want to skip the next Junior League meeting to get the front end of your car aligned.  I'm pretty sure the lick it took mounting the curb did some damage.  I can only hope. I'm pretty sure that shrub you plowed into took a little shine off that Lexus, too, but you can probably have your maid buff it out for you.   So, until we meet again, Mrs. Douche Bag, you might want to consider last night's lesson in driving etitquette. 

I am gone on vacation next week.  ttfn

I am bothered that I was probably in my 40's before I realized that eating asparagus makes your pee stink.  How did I never notice that?  Granted, I probably didn't eat that much asparagus before then and frankly probably never paid any attention, but I find the revelation quite startling.  If I missed that, what else have I been missing?

Not a bad weekend.  Spent a lot of time on my rusty tractor, brush-hogging a pasture and pondering life.  Powerless to help those who need it but not so callous as to not worry about them.  Life would be a lot easier if we all just didn't give a damn, you know?  So I puttered around the pasture on my tractor, contemplating things, life, and things I don't understand.  All people have demons they must fight.  If they give in even once, the demon wins a struggle that is SO hard to overcome.  Just once.  Demons come in all sizes, shapes, and forms.  My own unconquered demon comes in the form of a cigarette.  I have conquered all other demons and have the luxury of sparring with them occasionally for fun, but I always win.  Some people don't have that luxury and I feel bad for them.  Powerless to help.  I can only hope the demons are defeated but I cannot fight other people's battles. 

Got home last night and couldn't get into my own home because the power was out and the garage door opener wouldn't work.  Two adults and not one key to the house between the two.  Ended up camping in the driveway for about 45 minutes feeling stupid until the power came back on.  I think I might go have a couple of spare keys made up for the house.  But really I'll probably blow it off.  What are the chances that will ever happen again?

And after all that (see prior two posts) I received my official AARP membership card in the mail yesterday.  That's right.  I'm turning 50 very shortly and I am kind of excited about it.  Hell, I never thought I would live this long.  I am going to carry my AARP card like it's a badge!  I want discounts to everything, dammit.  I have earned them.  If I go into a titty bar, I want a discount on a lap dance. 

The cool thing is that I don't feel 50.  Sure, I should have died in a fierly crash witnessed by thousands or been shot down in a tragic and unforgettable event underscored by my gallantry, but no.  I'm still here.  Not quite dead yet.  Not as cool as I once was but old enough to not really care. 

It hasn't been a bad ride, either.  I sure can't complain. (although I often do)  I have been married to three wonderful women and one total bitch and have a beautiful daughter as a result.  I have worked for the same company for over 24 years, have lived in three states and have visited just about every major city in the U.S.  I have met two state governors, was friends with a lieutenant governor, recorded an album with a gospel singing group, sat in corporate boxes at major sporting events, flown on corporate jets and turbo props several times, ridden in limos, spoken before huge audiences, and called Sir by people who should have known better.  I also had the pleasure of knowing all my grandparents, three of my great-grandparents.  I am close to my family and got to say goodbye to my Dad before he died.  I have had wonderful and interesting friends and trust me, I have laughed my ass off.  It is the best thing about life- being able to laugh your ass off.  Do I regret any of it?  Hell yes, but I don't look back too often.  It's life - complete with all the scars and thrills and fears and tears.  I, by God, have earned my AARP card.

I can't figure out if I have been good or just lucky.  I'm calling it luck.  I don't think I'm that good.

Where are you?